my name is [redacted]
which is an anagram of
[redacted]
and im not sure what that means
but it reminds me of how people say
i ask too many questions

someday im going to be a wildlife biologist
and a photographer
and a mathematician
and an author
and a linguist
and a musician
and an actress
and a mother
and happy
but first i need to finish high school

animals seem to like me
which is good
because people don’t
i like people well enough
i like to feed off their energy
i like talking to them
but i don’t know how to do it right
i always do something wrong
what it is, i never know
so i sit alone at lunch
with the animals
inside of my head

i have autism
and ocd
and adhd
and anxiety
and depression
which my doctor says is in remission
but that doesn’t mean i don’t feel it in the back of my skull
knocking
knocking
knocking
searching
for any insecurity
any mistake
any misfortune
any opportunity
for it to break down the defenses i’ve built out of coping mechanisms and medication

im not afraid of heights
i love the breeze at the top of tall trees
im not afraid of spiders
the shiny eyes and fuzzy legs are adorable
im not afraid of small spaces
they makes me feel safe
im afraid of love
because of what happens when it ends
because what if it never feels like that again

and who would love me anyway
people say im pretty
until they get a glimpse inside

inside is a pastel wonderland made of cotton candy and flower fields
littered with crossed out names and shattered picture frames
and the longer i let them look the more the milkshake rain falling from the sky
turns to teardrops
turns to blood

but im ok
im fine
i swear i’m not gaslighting myself
i know i have so much to be grateful for
i know someday i’ll find everything im looking for
i know that since i’ve come this far
there’s no reason i can’t push through whatever life hurls my way next
because my name is [redacted]
which is an anagram of
[redacted]
and im pretty sure that means
that there’s an eagle inside of my soul
and no matter how much weight is put on its wings
it will never cease to soar